The Cinematic Moment

I have often had the feeling as I am in the midst of doing something that I am in a movie. My eyes see what the camera sees and everything in my vision takes on a heightened dramatic, or comedic, feeling and intensity. The arrangement of the background, the sounds, the lighting, they all combine in the same powerful fashion as in a film: a cinematic moment.

In the past I have considered this to be a happy synchronicity that gave my life the same kind of intensity that a great movie has. I was reflecting art over life. That was stupid.

Tonight I had the feeling again and realized during that moment that I was not superimposing a film-like effect on my life, but I was in my life. Everything I was experiencing held meaning because I was in a meaningful moment of my life. These cinematic moments occur when I am really being myself, living in my life in the truest way I can. I am expressing and feeling myself honestly. I am setting another level of awareness upon myself that lets me understand I am alive and that I should enjoy this moment. I should drink deeply from it.

I catch myself singing, dancing or reading aloud, making love, in conversation or prayer, and the cinematic moment happens. It is a wonderful feeling that makes my flesh tingle and a calm bliss descends over me. I know that the hyper awareness I am feeling may be from an extra boost of hormones hitting my brain, and the bliss may the release endorphins, yet this definition does not hold much meaning to me. But if I define the cinematic moment as a divine moment, then it both holds meaning and significance.

If the moment in which you are most aware of whom you are and that you are expressing this in the very fabric of your life cannot be described as being with God, what experience can?

An Early Push

I was twigged to an important point in my awareness of my faith, and the distance I had made with it, by a footnote in Brian McLaren’s book. He cites a term that he got from Irshad Manji’s book “The Trouble with Islam” by Random House, a book I had read last year.

The book is written by an openly gay Muslim woman as a critique of the current state of the Muslim religion. Most interesting is that you would expect Ms. Manji to completely reject her faith, yet she does not. Instead she wants to reclaim her religion and states her case for doing so. While I was reading her story, I was constantly thinking, “if this woman, who is risking her very life by writing this book, a woman seen as such an outsider by those in control of the Muslim faith that they would want her dead… Irshad does not abandon her faith, she does not make excuses for it, she tackles the issues head on and calls for a major reformation of the religion… if she can do this, then I can certainly find a way back into my own faith.” It was a long and rambling thought, but unfortunately most of my thoughts are, you can check with my wife if you don’t believe me.

This was one of the major bells going off in my head leading me back to Christianity and, ultimately, to join the clergy. It says a lot about me, I suppose, that the spiritual struggles of a gay Muslim woman has brought me closer to my Christian faith.

Oh, I highly recommend you read her book, whether you consider yourself religious or secular, Muslim or Christian.

A Generous Orthodoxy

I have been very fortunate to have a friend in Lance Dixon, an Anglican minister who has been invaluable in my discernment process. That’s the fancy term for the journey to become a priest. He leads a new group that is designing a new congregation/service at Trinity Church in Streetsville, Ontario called Evolution.

I have had many discussions with Lance and he has suggested some excellent reading for me that have been very direct and on the point of my journey. One that I just picked up has been really exciting for me to read. I thought I would make a quick post right at the start of my reading of it, and then make follow-up posts as I progress through it. I have even discovered a blog devoted entirely to the book and its author's writings:

agenerousorthodoxy.blogspot.com

The book is, “A Generous Orthodoxy” by Brian McLaren on Zondervan. There are also some websites where you can check out McLaren’s ideas:

www.anewkindofchristian.com

www.emergentvillage.com

www.crcc.org

I look forward to adding my comments regarding this book. With so many great recommendations from Lance, perhaps he should start a book list?

Grants and Ethics

It seems I cannot do anything without thinking deeply about it, at least examining underlying assumptions and testing them against my beliefs. I have the very practical problem of raising money so I can attend school this fall, so I am searching out bursaries and grant information. While I am doing this I am keenly aware of being a person with his hand out. I am looking for other people to give me money so I can pursue my ordination. I assume most students are madly filling out forms at this point, not trying to think too much about anything else, except maybe how much they can get for their old Star Wars toys. Yet, in the midst of this I am also examining the ethical issues. I am being open and honest about my reasons for my financial need to those I am asking, so I feel pretty good. It is this constant examination of everything is terms of the ethical implications that come through this, and I cannot think of a more useful habit in my path to priesthood.

Too often, it seems to me, the Church and its representatives seem fixated on theological technicalities instead of examining the fullness of a subject and its ethical implications. By the Church I mean the broad expanse of the Christian religion, both Catholic and Protestant. The Church has developed a reputation in the secular world of not just being out of step with the times, but being wrong. How can someone trust the Church with the most precious possession, their spiritual being, if they cannot trust us with the simplest of things?

Those parts of the Church that do express strong opinions on subjects either fly in the face of reason, such as the current evolution versus creation debates in the United States, or go against a person’s tried and true experience, such as the Roman Catholic dogma promoting sex for procreative purposes only. Not only does the Church assert itself in arenas that are strictly outside the scope of nurturing one’s soul, they make no sense. A faith should guide us in learning to respect ourselves and respect others. It should not be designed as a system to shame and silence us into blind obedience and servitude to an elite.

Those denominations, which do not hold such shackled opinions, are not clear in expressing an alternative. The leadership in the Church in these matters, as it appears to secular North American society, is missing. I am not sure why, because I have met some brilliant, forward-thinking and inspiring clergy. Maybe I will be able to discover some of these reasons with this blog. Or maybe you can post some.

Before the Church becomes relevant in people’s lives again, it must get back to basics and enter into the worldly discussions in the secular world in ways that reflect the respect, tolerance and forgiveness that Christ teachings encompass. They must also respect the incredible mind and intellect that God has given us, and respect the knowledge that God-given mind uncovers.

To survive the next twenty years the Church will have to get into the filth of the real world and deal with issues we too often are silent on, such as sex and greed. If we do not provide clear leadership in these areas, there are a thousand false idols waiting to take our place. It will be the Church that has failed people, not the other way round.

More Signs

I arrived at the U of T campus early for my interview with the Dean, so I decided to stop in for a quick lunch. I wanted to have some Indian food, but to my great disappointment that restaurant was gone, replaced by a Middle Eastern grill. I like falafels, so I thought I’d give it a try. I ordered a chicken shwarma and looked for a place to sit down and feast. There were no empty tables, so I sat near the front at a table occupied by a woman already enjoying her food.

I hate eating in the presence of others pretending they are not there. I think it’s a very rude and sad practice that we’ve developed in the urban world. After I sat down I introduced myself to the woman and asked her about her name tag/security pass. She told me she worked in research at the University. It turns out she works with researching human stem cells from adult sources. I was very lucky to have such an interesting lunch companion!

We discussed the nature of her work and then I explained I was about to interview for the Divinity program at the University. We then got into a brief discussion about God and science and the relationship they had. I was impressed by her passionate belief in God that was only strengthened by what she had learned as a scientist. I had to agree with her that the incredible design of a simple cell and the complexities of the organelles implied the presence of God over a series of ‘happy accidents’. We also discussed how people in our society have a deep spiritual need but seem to be having a difficult time find a place to have that need nurtured and fulfilled.

I mention this chance meeting I had because I came away with two distinct feelings. The first was that I was not alone in my perception of God in the very core of scientific pursuit. The second was that this kind of discussion came naturally to me, like the one with my brother’s friend. I not only enjoyed it, but also felt a deep sense of myself fulfilled by having it. This is what I want to do with my life.

Trinity College Update

I had my interview with Trinity College today. It was an informal discussion with the Dean and one of Trinity’s professors. We talked about why I want to become a priest, my past academic record and my strengths and weaknesses as applied to fulltime study and a pastoral vocation. I never completed my degree at the University of Waterloo, so I applied to be admitted as a non-degree student in the program. I would be on probation for my first ten credits, basically the first year, and then would be admitted to the Masters of Divinity program. After the discussion, I was asked to wait around in the other office, as they would be able to make a decision today. I was glad to wait to hear the news. I was rewarded with my patience by finding out I would be admitted to the program! I’ll be getting a package in the mail shortly with an official letter of admission and more pamphlets and booklets and flyers with more information than I could possible handle about the program, the college and the University of Toronto. Now for a nice cold beer! Tomorrow I will worry about funding!